Who Says a Judge Can’t Be Funny?

While the underlying crime is by no means funny — i.e. an argument over a dog pooping in a neighbor’s yard that led to a machete fight — Judge Jeff Sutton of the United States Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit offers up several good “one-liners” in response to the criminal defendant’s arguments, including the following:

“‘There is nothing new under the sun.’ Ecclesiastes 1:9. Maybe so. But this is a first for us — a dispute between next-door neighbors about uncollected dog deposits that degenerated into a near-fatal assault with a machete.”

“Walker’s belief, however honest, was emphatically unreasonable. He had no objective indications that his neighbor was about to attack him with the stick. And even if he did, Walker brought a machete to a stick fight and nearly killed his neighbor in the process — all in a dispute over a canine trespass….”

“Walker’s lawyer attempts to downplay her client’s use of a machete, claiming that it is merely a ‘garden implement.’  That is easy for her to say. The neighbor…presumably sees it differently, for the same reason that the victim of a near-fatal knifing would not characterize the weapon as a ‘kitchen utensil.'”

Responding to arguments that the defendant was otherwise a “model citizen,” Judge Sutton wrote: “Being a model citizen for 364 days of the year is not of much use if this is what happens on the 365th day.”

The opinion is barely 4 pages long and well worth the quick read. United States v. Jeffery T. Walker, No. 14-6490, 819 F.3d 877 (April 11, 2016).

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